what is essential is invisible to the eye

I just remembered that I STILL have no idea who the anonymous commenter from last year, and briefly this year, is.  Faithful readers of my livejournal will remember who I'm talking about.  So, maybe like 2 of you.  Anyhow, it's still nagging at my brain a little, although I've largely let it go.  

To the cryptic commenter: Okay, I'm done with college now and, if that's how you know me, I'll probably never see you again so just identify yourself!  I can't help being curious.

Just to let you all know, I've temporarily abandoned my faithful livejournal and have started a new blog for my month in Nepal.  It can be found at http://summeratsamshouse.blogspot.com.  Hope you check it out!

Brittany

procrastination
means writing stupid haikus
instead of papers

Two things about this ridiculous snowstorm:

1) I was in the Subway drive thru, ordering a sandwich, and suddenly the power went out and the restaurant went dark, leaving both me and the person I was giving my order to unable to hear each other through the speaker.  So, I think we both just waited awkwardly saying, "Hello?  Hello?  Can you hear me?"  (or, at least, that's what I was doing) until it came back on a few seconds later.  Then we laughed and talked about how ridiculous that was, which surprised me because it was the same crabby lady that is always working there.  It was an interesting shared moment with a stranger.

2) Some smart ass on 5th Street plugged their Christmas lights in again. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Insert standard statement about how overwhelmed and stressed out I am*
But seriously. I'm trying to be more positive about my life and not always so "Blah blah blah I have so much to do and I hate it." And, minus this one eentsie-weentsie live journal diversion, I've been really productive. I'm trying to eat better and get plenty of rest, a) because I think it will help me be more productive and b) because I lost 5 pounds over Thanksgiving (thank you, stomach flu--no, really. Ok, I realize it was all water weight, but the point is that it makes me feel like I can actually lose weight) and want to keep myself from gaining it back.  I at least am feeling moderately in control of my life right now, which is a nice change. So I'm trying not to bitch about school and carol concerts and everything else.

I had blocked off 2 hours today to eat lunch and memorize my Middle English recitation for Grammar and Language, but I got it done in one so I went to HFA and played the piano for the first time all semester. I played out of Julia's Ben Folds book, which I think I am going to steal in the dead of night because it is so wonderful, and some other stuff that I had played in high school but now completely suck at. I used to be at least decent at piano, and then I let it all go away. Boo. So maybe I'll start playing more often so I don't get any worse.  It's a nice little distraction that's way more fulfilling than facebook.

I had to call a couple of people today for something I'm writing for my internship and I absolutely loved when they answered the phone and I could say, "Hi, this is Brittany with South Dakota Farmers Union," as if I have an actual job.  It was so fun!  I cracked myself up every time I said it.  And for some reason, this morning when I got out of the shower I pretended I was in an imaginary salary negotiation as I brushed my teeth and watched my facial expressions in the mirror.  I hope that any real-life salary negotiations I'm involved in are less drooly.  It's weird to think that, theoretically, I could have a real job in as little as 6 months.  I won't, of course, but I could if I really wanted to. 

Thanksgiving. Good Lord. That's all I have to say about that.

Kale came to Morris this weekend and it was great. We were such good friends when we were on summer staff together, but it always seems like when I'm not near my friends, I neglect them. So we had a great weekend of catching up, and remembering why we became such good friends in the first place.

Kale and I went to St. Cloud on Saturday to do some shopping, and we were looking for a parking spot at the mall when he noticed a pickup pulling out of a really good spot. As we were waiting to pull in, another car came from the opposite direction to try to get in before us. The driver of the pickup saw this, and backed out toward the car so she was forced to back up, letting us pull in. Kale waved, and we commented on how nice that was. Then as we were getting out of the car and walking to the mall, the pickup drove down the row next to the one we parked in and rolled his window down. He was an older, grandfatherly-looking gentleman, and he yelled to us, "I saved that spot just for you!" and grinned, and we grinned back and yelled our thanks. And it was the most adorable thing ever. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for nice old people who don't just think young people are a bunch of hooligans.

Yesterday morning as I was leaving for school, Lindsay asked me to let the dog back in the house. As I was bending down to take the chain off his collar, I found myself staring at a crazy-looking lizard-y thing that looked like it belonged in some kind of tropical location. But no, it was in my backyard, in Minnesota, in November. I opened the door and yelled for Lindsay to come look at this, and she came out and had pretty much the same reaction I did: what the heck is that thing? And then we turned into two 10-year-olds. We looked at it up close; got freaked out because we thought it was going to jump on our heads; poked at it (gently) to see if it would move; discovered it did actually move, and more quickly than we had anticipated; ran in the house to find a jar to catch it in; decided this would be too mean; ran in the house to grab a camera; and then got excited because we thought we maybe discovered a new species and decided to name it "snizard," because it kind of looked like a snake crossed with a lizard. Later, Lindsay looked it up online and discovered that it was a salamander, which apparently we have lots of (How long have those things been lurking around? Ewwwww.), but this particular one was a rare species, and was also rare because they usually are only seen in the spring. So that was our fun little crocodile-hunter moment.

Lindsay and I are going to go to the bar a little later tonight, which I haven't done in sooooooo long. As much as I love Andy--and I do, he's a great roommate and a great guy--it will be really nice to just spend time with Lindsay. I get so caught up in school and my life that I don't spend as much time with her as I should, or as I want to, and I feel like we also need some catch-up time to remember why we have so much fun together. So I'm excited for that, and excited for this weekend at my brother's house. I try so hard to not think about the fact that this is my last year in Morris, and after this I won't get to go out with Lindsay any time I want, or be 3 hours away from one brother and 6 from the other, or see my choir friends every day...but the fact is, maybe it doesn't really matter if I get an A or a B on that paper or if I'm 100% prepared for class discussion. The fact is, after my college career is over, I will still be able to read all the books I want about whatever I want and even write papers about them if I would be so crazy, but I won't be able to take these people for granted because they simply won't be there any more. And I think I need someone to stop me every once in a while and remind me of this.

1. Would you state you were guilty of a crime you didn't commit to free a loved one?

Honestly, probably not. Although I can't really say for sure. To be honest, I think that I am too inherently selfish to be able to do that.

2. Where is your favorite place to sleep? Where is the strangest place you’ve ever slept?

I would say my favorite place to sleep would be at home, but this is complicated. College is such a strange time because although I like going "home" to my parents' house, the house I grew up in, I don't know if I would necessarily define it as my favorite place to be/sleep. And I love Morris, but it also doesn't feel like "home" in that sense. I actually don't think I will truly have a favorite place to sleep until I have some sort of stability in my life.

3. At the beginning of a relationship, do you trust your new partner unless there is something specific to make you do otherwise, or do you withhold your trust until he or she has earned it?

I think that I used to be very trusting--too trusting--but now I just can't help but be a little wary. Or a lot wary. I often question guys' motives, maybe even to a fault.

4. If you ran a hospital, what policy would you set for dealing with emergency patients who arrive without health insurance or money?

Health care is a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT. Anyone who advocated abolishing public education would be deemed a lunatic, and yet public health care is still a radical, "leftist" idea. Ugh.

In other words, I think I would struggle with running a hospital under our current health care system.

5. Who do you think is the most beautiful person alive today?

Oh wow. This is literally impossible. I'm going to cheat and skip this question because I don't even think I can begin to answer it.

6. Which month of the year do you think would best describe your personality?

June. Warm, inviting, open to fun distractions, a new beginning.

7. In selecting a candidate to vote for in an election, would any of these variables influence your decision: the candidate is an alcoholic, the candidate is sexually promiscuous, the candidate has an arrest record.

Yes. Of course. But definitely depending on when these things happened. For example, if the candidate had an arrest record in college but then changed his or her ways, that wouldn't matter to me.

8. If you could ask God any single question, what would it be?

Why are some people rich and others poor, some healthy and some sick, some happy and some sad, some surrounded with love and others lonely? Basically, justify inequality.

9. If you could be invisible for one hour, where would you go and what would you do?

I would walk around campus naked, just because I could.

10. Your partner, a roommate, or a good friend keeps a private journal that is easily accessible. Under what circumstances might you read it without permission?

If I thought they were in danger and going to harm themselves. Also, I think I would read a boyfriend's journal if I had a significant enough reason to believe he was cheating on me. Although it would be pretty stupid to write about that in a journal.

11. If you smoked marijuana as a teenager and were filling out an employment questionnaire asking whether you had ever used drugs, how would you respond? Assume you must sign an affidavit swearing to the truth of your statements.

Oooh. That's hard. I think I would be more likely to lie because it's a written questionnaire, although I can't say for sure. If it was asked of me in an interview, I would definitely tell the truth because I'm a pretty horrible liar, and plus there is just something that seems more dishonest about lying to someone's face than on a piece of paper. I would feel too guilty.

12. If you could be married anywhere in the world, where would the wedding take place?

In the tiny 100+-year-old church I was baptized in and grew up going to every single Sunday.

13. How many more years do you think you will live?

Hmmm. I have a feeling that life expectancy is going to keep increasing during my lifetime, so...maybe 70 more years? Who knows?

14. What would you never willingly sacrifice to save a great many people?

My life? The lives of people I love? I don't know. I hate those questions that are like, "There is a group of 10 people standing on a train track with a speeding train coming toward them, but if your grandmother was standing on the platform and you pushed her in front of the train, it would save the other 10 people. Would you do it?" And again, I think I am too selfish, and not brave enough, to sacrifice my own life. I wouldn't make a very good revolutionary.

15. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

This question literally makes me tear up just reading it. I would probably regret not telling my parents how much I appreciate everything they have done for me, although I don't think the words even exist to be able to express that.

16. What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?

Sadly, I can't think of any really memorable fun dreams right now.

When I was in junior high or early high school I had a dream that I don't remember much of, but my parents were on the back of a truck or wagon or something and it was leaving and I was trying to get on but they were pushing me off because they didn't want me there. And that was the most awful feeling ever, knowing that my own parents, who are supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't want me.

17. What do you remember about your first day of school?

Virtually nothing. I do have a great story, though, that I don't necessarily really remember but have been told. My kindergarten class was split into 2, so each half went all day, every other day. However, everyone went on the first day of school. We were kept separate most of the day but we all went to the library at the same time to listen to a story. I knew one of the girls in the other class, and I was really excited to see someone I knew. As soon as we all sat down and the teacher began talking, I raised my hand and she called on me. I said, "Um, I just want to say one thing: Hi, Haylee!"

18. If you could be the house cat or lap dog of any person on earth, whose would you choose to be?

This is a stupid question. But I would definitely want to be a dog, because it just seems like more fun.

19. What’s the absolute all-time worst movie you’ve ever seen?

This is hard. Maybe Dreamcatcher? An alien inhabits people's bodies and makes them speak with British accents.

20. Would you be able to serve on a jury and sentence the defendant to the death penalty?

It would depend on what they had done. If they killed lots of people, then probably.

21. If you had to name the one thing that most frightens you about growing old, what would it be?

Being alone, without a doubt. The possibility of never getting married, never having kids, never making close friends--having no one to spend old age with.

22. If you could have a grand, beautiful front porch with a relaxing porch swing overlooking any place or thing in the world, what would it overlook?

Oh wow. A really pretty lake...? I'm not very creative.

23. What would you like to be famous for?

I'm going to be as cliche as possible and say doing something that really changes things for the better. Makes things better for a lot of people.

24. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery to keep yourself looking young?

No, because it always looks weird. And I hope that I am not that vain. I think the only way I would have plastic surgery would be if I gained hundreds and hundreds of pounds and then lost it all and had a bunch of extra skin that didn't go away, because that's gross. I saw it on Oprah. Not on Oprah, the person--on a guest on the show.

25. What are some of the simple things in life that you feel show you people care about you?
Calling me just to talk.
Calling me when I'm stuck on campus for a long time and saying, "Whatcha doin...? When are you coming home?"
Inviting me to do things.
Wanting to spend time with me.
Sincerely wanting to help me when I need it.
Sharing their food with me.
Asking about my life, and actually wanting to know.
Noticing when I'm in a bad mood or stressed out and wanting to make it better.
Randomly writing on my facebook wall or sending me an email, just to say hi.

There is an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is starting an exercise program and his extremely old trainer, with his extremely archaic fitness regimen, ties a string around Jerry's waist and then ties the other end to the bumper of a car so he can run along behind. Of course, in true Seinfeld fashion, the car ends up going much too fast because of something Kramer did and Jerry is unable to keep up. And this is my life. I am running my ass off, and every once in a while I go a little too slowly and get jerked forward. Not enough to fall, but just enough to remind me that my life is going to keep on pulling, whether I'm running of my own accord or just dragging behind. Today I met with Tom McRoberts about my crazy plan to apply to the London School of Economics--one of the most competitive schools in the WORLD--for a one-year masters program. And he actually thought it was a good idea. And that I would have no problem getting in--which I can't bring myself to be optimistic enough to believe, but is a cute, idyllic little thought. So here it is, almost December. Graduate admissions began in October, and are rolling, which means that there are x number of open spots and when they are filled, they are filled. So the clock is ticking. In 2006, in the program I am vaguely looking at applying to, 21 of 200+ applicants were admitted. Holy. Fuck. 21 people. From across the entire WORLD. Me being one of those people seems about as likely as me becoming a circus performer.

And I want to go on a May session trip. And I want to do ELTAP and go somewhere crazy. And about 50 bajillion other things. And time just keeps on going...I have panicky moments where I swear that I am just going to wake up one day and be 35 and living in Dickinson and working at the cabinet factory or something. I was recently talking to someone who just graduated from college and was just hired by SDFU. Which is great, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with his choice or with working for SDFU, but in college he had done internships in both the House and the Senate and for National Farmers Union and he really wanted to go to DC when he graduated but just didn't have the money. Well, good Lord, I don't have any money either! Am I ever really going to get there? Are all of these things ever going to happen? So far, things have just worked out for me--God knows how, or why. I ask myself that all the time. But when is it going to end? When is it just not going to work? When am I going to end up bouncing along behind the car?

What the hell? Don't kids trick-or-treat anymore? Freaking Morris.